HUMOR Random funnies ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. [ I've forgotten who posted this to the CMU andrew.games.xtrek bboard. Please stand up and be counted! jch ] ------------------------------ Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek Date: Sun, 10 May 1992 18:54:01 -0400 From: Joelle Ann Mellon Subject: Top 10 from 5/10/92 TOP 10 REASONS WHY DAN QUAYLE DOESN'T PLAY NETREK 10) Can't keep his GPA up 9) He hasn't grasped the mouse concept 8) He thought ogging was a new position 7) His TRS80 wasn't compatible 6) Too busy with job as galactic emporer 5) He didn't make the "guest" lists 4) Refused to take a stand on the LPS issue 3) It was deemed politically incorrect 2) Marilyn wouldn't let him 1) The CIA refused to let him coup a planet This Top 10 was brought to you by, Flt. Capt. speechless -Rob ------------------------------ From: news@organpipe.uug.arizona.edu Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek,alt.games.xtrek Subject: Gibberish and instructions Date: 23 Jun 92 01:07:17 GMT Top Ten Reasons Why Dan Quayle Doesn't Play Netrek 10. Asked for a computer for his birthday, Mom gave him Nintendo. 9. Kept ordering NSFnet shutdown after he died with armies 8. Upset when called a "CLUELESS NEWBIE" and verbally assaulted by MUCUS PIG 7. Started yelling "Doosh!" during diplomatic meetings 6. Couldn't figure out how to ftp one of those "borgs" and got frustrated 5. Inappropriately used state resources when he asked the NSA to break the bronco blessing encryption (took them 37 seconds) 4. Other people at the White House complained about him always playing games on the only available workstation 3. Accused Yeltsin of "ogging" Gorbachev's chances of political success 2. Offered state secrets to opponents if they would just ignore him while he took a few planets And the number one reason Why Dan Quayle Doesn't Play Netrek: 1. During the Gulf War, he said we should: "Go in cloaked, max warp, then just before we get to them uncloak-tractor-torp-torp-torp-phaser-torp-torp-phaser" And the REAL reason Why Dan Quayle Doesn't Play Netrek: HE WAS CAUGHT T-MODE SCUMMING SO HE COULD MAKE COMMANDER!!!! - Jeff Miles Teg, Bentwidomaleya, Hydra ------------------------------ Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 02:41:19 -0400 From: "Timothy C. Worsley" Subject: Top 10 ways to piss off you INL team. 10) Offer to scout-bomb, and then don't. 9) Wander off instead of escorting. 8) Scream for help over and over while your team is trying to talk. 7) Chase a SC bomber during the SB Ogg. 6) Kill your own team's carriers. 5) Leave. 4) Announce a play-by-play of your game. 3) Let your team play one man short while you play on another server. 2) Reboot a team-mate's machine. 1) Lose a loaded SB in order to hold a drug deal. ZZnew guy ------------------------------ From: tek@ms.uky.edu (Thomas E. Kunselman) Subject: The Disintegrata Message-ID: <1992Aug3.181157.6962@ms.uky.edu> Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1992 22:11:57 GMT Here is something I ran across about ten years ago when DECWAR was the game. I have no memory of who actually wrote it. But hope you all enjoy it. The Disintegrata Go nastily amid the peace and tranquility, and remember what satisfaction there may be in genocide. As far as possible, without surrender, move into other people's space. Lie often and loudly; and listen to the lies of others, even the slow and incompetent; examples can be made of them later. Seek out the meek and inoffensive persons; they are annoying, but fun to kill. Do not bother comparing yourself to others; those greater than you will eventually be eliminated, and those lesser than you are dead already. Fart in airlocks. Assassinate your superior as quickly as possible; your own career, however exalted, is not worth a plugged millo if one of your own junior officers gets it over your dead body. Exercise caution if one of your course changes suddenly produces a sensor ghost; for the galaxy is full of Federation vessells. But let this not blind you to the happier side of things; many starship captains are swaggering, tin-plated dictators with delusions of godhood, and everywhere life is full of incompetence. Advance yourself. Especially do not feign meanness, neither be cynical about hate; you are not likely to run out of either. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the joys of defenestration and evisceration for more mature pleasures. Nurture a deep-seated suspicion of small furry creatures that purr; you never can tell. File your teeth regularly. Discipline is important; practice holding it inbetween planetfalls. You are a scourge of the universe, no less than your average interstellar plague or black hole; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, have no doubt the universe is going to pieces in a most laudable manner. Therefore do your utmost to annoy the destroyer, however you may conceive him, big bang, or entropy death; and whatever your plans of conquest, as you wade through the morasses of peace with fire and sword, annoy your soul. With all it's truth, high resolve, and courage, the world still has it's ugly spots. Be thoughtless. Strive to be miserable. (Found scratched on the Energy Barrier, Stardate 2832.4) ------------------------------ From: guest@crow.cpsin (Guest User) Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek Subject: The Ten Commandments of Netrek (as per me) Date: 21 Dec 92 17:54:46 GMT Depressed by huge wait ques and rampant cluelessness, Space Dork set out into the unknown, onto some desolate, forsaken server never before experienced by mortal men. As Hoser upon Hoser scrolled thru the message window, a vicious Iggy suddenly uncloaked and God spoke... GOD->F0 Greetings maggot...Start saying your prayers F0 ->ALL MUCUS?? umm sorry, thought this was an open server. GOD->FO No, I am the supreme netrek being FO ->ALL So wait, this is a CMU server ??? GOD->FO SILENCE, I out-rank you... GOD->FO You must carry my words to the netrek community, If anything GOD->FO just to get the weenies from argueing about SC and DD's... FO ->ALL err umm, sure I suppose I could do that. GOD->FO You will receive an email. I suggest it be posted immediately FO ->ALL ok sure...whatever GOD->ALL Space Dork (F0) was kill 1.90 for Hunterkiller (Ig) GOD->ALL The Universe was taken over by Iggy (Ig) ------------------Included message begins as follows--------------------- THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF NETREK I. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Sparc Station. Games are prohibited under section 1.2 of the student guidelines. II. Thou shalt not claim to base better than Balton, ogg better that MUCUS PIG, nor bomb better than Sunscreamer. III. Thou shalt not double space posts. IV. Thou shalt not openly taunt Berkley nor CMU. It is much more fun to pick on them behind their backs. V. Thou shalt kill....repeatedly VI. Thou shalt not yell "DOOSH" over 1 army. It is a pitiful and self- demeaning thing. 3 armies is a maybe, 4-5 is your own decision but 1 or 2 is wayyy out. VII. Honor and obey frequent posters to r.g.n, for they are the PR of the netrek world. VIII.Thou shalt not convert to RSA until after a nine month waiting period. Any law-suits should have been flying by then. IX. Thou shalt scum whenever possible. X. Thou shalt not attempt to split rec.games.netrek. Your Name, address, social security card, favorite ice-cream and childhood history will immediately be posted and a slander campaign begun immediately. -------------------------End included message--------------------------- And so Space Dork returned refreshed and bearing tidings to spread to the entire netrek world. Upon waiting 2 hours and finally logging into the local server however, he was immediately accused of blasphemy by the server god and booted out of the game. Thus ends the tale of Space Dork. Napoleon/Space Dork ------------------------------ Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek From: rhodesia@wixer.cactus.org (Felix S. Gallo) Subject: Re: Real Name(s)? Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 17:27:26 GMT danhua@garnet.berkeley.edu (Dan Hua) writes: >Hey folks! Is ZZNewguy now christopher simmons? >Also is sunscreamer felix gallo or felix ortony? I wish >I have two names to use too, one for scumming and the other >for.... more ulterior motoves.. > >Well so long! Actually, I'm kinda surprised it's taken so long for this to come up. A while back, ZZnewguy and I were playing on bronco one day and getting really pissed at each other. Every time he'd pick up, I'd waste him from the backfield in my scout. Every time I went to bomb, he'd rip me off the planet and dump the high heat into my ship. It was really fucking unbelievable. We'd eat our way through crowds of oggers -- Red Shirt, SpaceAce!, Ged, and the like -- only to get stuffed at the planet by the other guy. Finally, after we had swung the LPS back six or seven times, and after Red Shirt had been carted away from his terminal sobbing and SpaceAce had been seen desperately trying to get his mouse hand uncurled, it was just him and me, facing each other across the border of the vast Federation/Romulan Abyss. "You SWINE," I sent him, "look what you did to poor Red Shirt. You'll PAY." "Oh YEAH?" came back his message, "How much do you want to BET that I'll genocide you FIRST?" So the brutal contest began. We dogfought for hours, trying to get that first kill. The skies darkened and the planets paled. At last, with 99% damage, I expended the last drop of fuel in my trusty scout to obliterate his, and with that edge, went on to genocide him in six days. After the brutal contest, of course, I had him change his name to Christopher Simmons, get his nose pierced, and tattoo "sunscreamer is the best yes sir" on his forehead. Unfortunately, he wanted a rematch, and I gave it to him. That's why I'm now Felix Gallo and I'm missing my right leg. I don't think either of us are too eager to go for that tiebreaking match. Felix Gallo rear ensign sunscreamer and now you know...the REST of the story ------------------------------ From: dudley@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (D U D L E Y) Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek Subject: Re: What is netrek? Date: 13 Apr 1993 12:22:23 -0500 anders@buast7.bu.edu (Anders M. Jorgensen) writes: >Excuse my ignorance, but I'd like to understand... What's it about? Netrek is a way of life. Netrek is a place where a twink can ogg a God right as he starts to drop his children on an indi agri...all while typing DOOSH! Netrek is why you've been in college 7 years and are looking forward to the next 7. Netrek attracts a fair share of intellectually challenged individuals who find calling people names a productive means of encouraging them to do better. Netrek is a good way to test network resources. Netrek is a sport and eventually will be televised on ESPN. Netrek makes you: lose sleep, go through radical mood changes, lose motivation, abandon social norms, desire more intense and frequent doses, and will undoubtedly be considered illegal by the Partnership for a Drug Free America. Netrek is NOT Star Trek. Netrek is why those people in the back of the lab are making lots of noise. and most importantly....Netrek is FUN ------------------------------ From: markiel@callisto.pas.rochester.edu (Andrew Markiel) Newsgroups: rec.games.netrek Subject: Re: Beginer! Date: Thu, 4 Nov 93 00:33:05 GMT STHOMAS@utcvm.utc.edu wrote: > I read many of the netrek postings and it seems real intresting. Would > anyone be willing to post instructions on how to get onto Netrek and begin > playinf. Particularly comand cods to get in. Certainly! Most of them you can fish out of the code (it's written in sea), but I can give you some pointers. The idea behind netrek is that your race starts with 10 oysters, which produce pearls (certain "agricultural" oysters produce pearls much faster and thus are very valuable). The object of the game is to capture all of the enemy's oysters by destroying all of their pearls and capturing them with your own pearls. Each team has 8 fish attacking and defending the oysters. One of the most important ideas is to destroy enemy pearls (once you destroy all the pearls on an enemy oyster, it becomes uncontrolled and you can capture it by delivering one of your own pearls). You do this by perching on the oyster and hitting 'b' (for bash), which causes you to destroy the enemy pearls there. If the oyster has more than 4 pearls, then it will be open and you can attack all of them; however, once the oyster has less than 5, it will close up with the pearls inside and you can't bash them anymore (however, if you get lucky, you can bash several pearls in one swing and thus reduce the number of pearls to below 4 before it closes up.. lobsters are very good at this). Once the oyster is closed up, the only way to destroy the rest of the pearls inside is to deliver your own pearls to the oyster. When you put one of your own pearls next to the oyster, it will open up slightly to crush it, which allows you to grab one of the ones inside and destroy it before it closes again. Thus, for an oyster with 4 pearls, you need to deliver 4 of your own pearls to be able to destroy all of the ones inside, which makes the oyster uncontrolled. Then, if you put another one of your own pearls inside, you will capture the oyster and it will start making pearls for you. The tricky bit is that to carry pearls around, you have to have a net to carry them in. You make the net out of the scales of the enemy fish that you defeat. Defeating one enemy fish gives you enough scales to carry 2 pearls (unless you are in a lobster, in which case you have enough to carry three pearls). They maximum number of pearls you can carry depends on fish type. When your fish is defeated in combat, you lose all your scales and any pearls you are carrying, and get sent back to your spawning grounds to get a new fish. You fight either by tossing pebbles at the enemy fish, or by using your scraper to scrape the scales off of them; note that after a lot of fighting you get tired, and can't attack until you get more food (indicated by your food stat, note that many other things, including movement, consume food). You can get a little food anywhere, but certain oysters provide food, which means that if you perch on a freindly food oyster you will replace your food reserves much faster. There are six types of fish you can control: salmon, dogfish, crabs, bluefin, lobsters, and the mighty bass. You can always switch to another fish by going back to your spawning ground and requesting a new fish (and you keep whatever scales you had). Salmon are small and fast. The have fast pebbles but very weak scrapers, and they are too weak for most combat. They are best used either for carrying pearls, or for bashing enemy pearls in their backfield (every good team needs a salmon basher). Dogfish are a little tougher than salmon, and also conserve food well. However, they also have weak scrapers and thus aren't so useful in combat. In fact, these fish tend to be seldom seen anymore. Crabs are the workfish. They have lots of food and really good scrapers, which makes them good for fighting enemy fish. Nowadays these fish are used more than any other. Bluefin are very big fish, but are slow and don't use food effectively, so they tend to be useful only in close range fights near a food oyster. Lobsters are an intersting sort of fish. They are very slow, but are very good at bashing enemy pearls (if they get lucky, they can bash 4 pearls in one swing). They also can carry three pearls for each enemy fish destroyed, which can be quite useful. The bass is a very special fish. You side only can have one at a time, and if it gets defeated it takes 30 minutes to put it back together again. You also have a certain rank to take one. However, they are very big and tough, and serve as a repository for pearls (where they can't be bashed). An interesting tactic is the bass og (it's short for ogtopus). This is where your 8 fish surround the enemy bass (like the 8 arms of an ogtopus). Then you wade in and beat the carp out of him. You can do it with less fish, but it's not as effective. Hope this helps. If you have more questions, the FAQ should be posted in a few days. > Stephen Thomas University of Tennesee at Chattanooga -Grey Elf markiel@callisto.pas.rochester.edu ------------------------------ End of HUMOR ************